Max Gutmann

Life, That Hack!
    From Don Juan Finish’d 

If we could but instill in Life--that hack!--
  The element’ry rules of composition,
Prevent the crude and sloppy maniac
  From spoiling every scene with his tradition
Of shouting in our faces like a pack
  Of drunken sailors wailing their rendition
Of “Captown Races” or “My Drawlin’ Clementime,”
Their rhythmic belching almost keeping them in time.

For Life to utilize the art of Art
  Could help in many ways that we could mention.
Some structure and suspense would be a start.
  To get us upright in our seats, fists clenchin’,
A little rising action would be smart
  (Or something that would help us pay attention,
Instead of simply zoning out a lot
And missing half the details of the plot).

But Life, I fear, shall never learn to craft
  A decent tale. (It hasn’t that ambition.)
It uses characters extremely daft,
  And wastes far too much time in exposition.
It never bothers to revise a draft,
  Too taken with its own first thoughts. Perdition!
Each aspect of the story is a shame-- 
And worst, the ending’s always just the same. 

Max Gutmann has contributed to dozens of publications including New Statesman, Able Muse, and Cricket. His plays have appeared throughout the U.S. and have been well-reviewed (see maxgutmann.com). His book There Was a Young Girl from Verona sold several copies.