Susan McLean

Horrorscopes


Aries

You race to seize the lead and beat the dawn.
You'll get the Porsche of your dreams. Head-on.


Taurus

"Vaccines? A hoax." You'll never fall for that.
Long Covid's real, though, and will knock you flat.


Gemini

You've found your perfect match, your psychic twin.
Too bad he's phishing just to reel you in.


Cancer

"Cancer means crab, not tumor." It won't thrill you
to learn its other meaning's going to kill you.


Leo

Pride goes before a fall. You lead the pack,
so when you're near a staircase, watch your back.


Virgo

You're known for caution, planning, skill, and vision.
Your surgeon, sadly, lacks your own precision.


Libra

You search for balance. It's a quest that fails.
A stroke awaits you as you tip the scales.


Scorpio

You don't take kindly to betrayal, do you?
But payback leads to lawyers who will screw you.


Sagittarius

Adventure calls. You go for the long shot.
And when that fails, the close one that does not.


Capricorn

Hard work, ambition, stress, control—you lack
none of the makings of a heart attack.


Aquarius

You go your own way, like an Alpine river.
And when you're blue, you'll try to drown your liver.


Pisces

Your mind's a slippery duo, Jekyll and Hyde.
There's no predicting to what depths you'll glide.

Susan McLean, a retired English professor, is the author of The Best Disguise and The Whetstone Misses the Knife, and the translator of a book of Martial’s Latin poems, Selected Epigrams.  She lives in Iowa City, Iowa.